Just trying to hold onto faith is hard right now.
been nearly 2 months since i came online. just felt like i needed to update on how my life was going. ive never felt more alone. i have so many supporters standing at my shoulders yet i still feel at a loss. i have lost the ability to use my right hand, and my ability to walk is gone. despite the hearing unclearly and the gain of weight, losing my legs strength has been the hardest. i feel like ive lost everything that mattered to me. no one would understand this pain. everyone always tells you to be happy and enjoy life, but they never add how to deal with having a disability. nurses and hospices come by every week, i have to sleep in the living room now on my own hospital bed. its soo uncomfortable. eyesight is worse, glasses dont help anymore. im trying to keep my head up but its taken the life of a busy-body. i just want to start over, another chance at living. i cant talk to anybody about how i feel anymore, no one would be able to feel me. im overly tired more now, its like sleep, eat, watch tv, sleep, eat, sleep for me. i hate being stuck. its the worst. no one ever tells you how to explain this kind of suffering to a person. i wonder if ill ever get better, but my hopes arent so high. im growing older and its getting more difficult for me. i miss school, and my friends. im starting to feel as id hien isnt a true friend. i am so stressed and frustrated and all he does is accuse me of everything. he doesnt understand, but then again how could anyone?
life has been lots of struggling lately. just losing my hair was alot, i lost my balance too. cant walk, at all. ronnilyn, jerome, and jeremy were here earlier too. seeing jerome and jeremy was overwhelming, theyre so grown. feelings did sprout when i saw jeremy, he looks well. i have alotta leftover feelings but time will sweep them up. i miss living. ive lost so much, i cant really be happy anymore. idk wether alot of faith and meds are a good thing anymore, i just dont want to do this anymore. i cant do this anymore..
If i gained weight.
If i lost my hair.
If i lost all that made me beautiful.
Would you still love me?
If i couldnt walk anymore.
If i lost all ability to move.
If i was unable to write.
Would you still love me?
If i only have tomorrow.
Do you still love me?
a lot more tired this week, even though ive been sleeping a lot. headaches and nausea feelings are back also. i realize a lot of my life was a waste, and that my life sucked, even when i didnt have cancer. my biggest regret? not ever taking chances. ive never ice skated, or went horseback riding. ive never went go karting, or tried something new just because. if i could start my life over, it would be way different. you would never love me if i was fat and ugly. you would never love me now. you only love me now because i was once beautiful. im not skinny and curvy anymore, and if you saw me now, you would stop loving me. hopefully i get off the steroids soon so these cheeks go away. i dont mind being overweight for a little while, these cheeks need to go though. my feet and legs are red and irritated, i have more stretchmarks, whoopeee. i dont feel good.. TL.
i hate being online, idky. i just do. blogging everyday about how my life is going? not gonnna happen, lol. im just gonna blog when its necessary and important. todays halloween, we all get to go out and i guess i have to disguise myself very well so no one recognizes me. im still not comfortable being seen. i gained like 25 pounds, or w/e! the steroids have made me all puffed up and fugly, even im tryna avoid the mirror. i dont need to see what ive become. only thing i havent lost are my eyes, thank goodness. hopefully, ill get better and the doctors will let me off the meds. im taking like 20 a day! if i ever get better.. i lost my hair, which was really impoortant to me, it wasnt easy having to see it all go either. im losing body hair too, my legs have never looked so bare. which is the only good thing i guess. i need to lose this weight too!!!! real bad. i have so many fuckin stretchmarks too! it doesnt feel right cussing either, hella has changed. i was watching naruto last night, if i ever get better im going out and buying all the mangas and dvds, idgaf, i know better now. best advice you could ever get?live life to the fullest and never wait for change, make it happen. lately, been fantasizing about a perfect life, thats been my entertainment lately. audri’s better, shes so cute and happy. lol. always brightening my day. i wouldnt change her for the world. need to go pee, bye.
the laptop just crashed, stupid shit. i dont feeel like typing what i just typed again so ill sum it up. miss audri, audri cant go trick or treating, i dont feeel like going if shes not, holidays arent going to be the same this year, lost half of my hearing, tired, going to go to sleep. miss audri too much.
btw; stop asking for my number, its stilll the same. i just dont have a phone and i couldnt hear you anyways, i lost my hearing, well, most of it. i cant listen to music anymore either, it just feels like noise. sucks. okay, im out.
(via blogsecret)
Reblogged from What's your secret?.
So im going to start blogging about how things are going so you dont have to ask me. lol. head is shaved, still cant use right hand, still cant see well, still having to use wheelchair. audri has the swine flu, im worried sick. i guess we are going to missss halloween this year.. i cant be around audri so im stuck in this room for 2 weeks, until aaudri’s okay again. im praying for her. ronnilyn had her baby, hopefully ill get to hold it one day. this sucks… im not ready to see anyone yet, so ive been turning them away, mommy says they should understand. i hope they do, i miss them though. im going to bed soon, my arms hurt and my eyes wont stay open, feel really tired. blog more tomorow.
Reblogged from Half heartedly.
(via blogsecret)
Reblogged from What's your secret?.
lately my life sucks. im in a wheelchair, taking homeschool, hairs falling out like a mofo’, at least 20 pills a day, nothings been my way. Im tryna cut off all connection with everyone, i just dont wanna deal with all the bs. i have enough problems in my life, and they still expect me to carry their weight too. none of them know what im going through right now. i wish i was normal, but im not, but you dont see me complaining about how hard it is!no one would understand all this shit i have to go through, so you have me to talk to and vent to, right?? well, my bestfriens are my mom and baby sister. i just need my own time right around this time. shit hasnt been easy for me, and everyone is expecting me to wake up one day and be there for them like i always am? i just need think about me right now. i dont even use my phone or go online really, i just wanna cut off everyone. i dont wannaexplain to everyone why im not going to school, why i have cancer, why im soo freakin done! i gained 7 pounds in one month.. 101? bye bye. im 108 now. i lost all my curves too. my life has been really hard to handle and i wish everhyone would stop bugging me!!!
